How to Enjoy the Holidays Without Putting Yourself Last

The calendar fills up fast this time of year. Parties, school programs, shopping, hosting, travel, year-end deadlines at work, and somewhere in there you're supposed to sleep.

If you're the one who keeps it all running, you probably know the feeling. By mid-December you're exhausted, a little resentful, and wondering why the most wonderful time of the year feels like a sprint.

You're allowed to enjoy this season too. Not after everyone else is taken care of. Now.

Why the holidays hit so hard

The holidays don't usually add one big thing. They add a hundred small ones to a calendar that was already full. More events, more errands, more people to buy for, more cooking, and less time for the things that keep you steady.

Your body notices. Stress can show up as poor sleep, tight shoulders and a clenched jaw, digestion that's off, cravings, a shorter fuse, or that tired-but-wired feeling at the end of the day. Sleep slips, food choices slip, and stress climbs even higher. It builds on itself.

When everyone else comes first

“Sometimes we get so busy taking care of everybody else that we forget to take care of ourselves.”

I say this a lot because I see it a lot, especially in women who are the glue for their families, their workplaces and their communities.

Taking care of people is a beautiful thing. The problem starts when it's automatic, when every request gets a yes before you've even checked in with yourself.

The automatic yes

Many of us learned early that being helpful, easy and agreeable was how we kept the peace or felt valued. That pattern doesn't just disappear when we grow up. It shows up as hosting when you're worn out, taking on one more project at work, or baking for the school party at 11 p.m.

None of this makes you a bad person. It's a pattern. And patterns can change.

Say yes to yourself one time out of five

Here's a simple rule I teach: say yes to yourself at least one time out of five.

When you say yes to everyone else every time, you give your power away. Over time that can lead to resentment, burnout, and feeling like your life isn't really yours.

One out of five isn't selfish. It's maintenance. Four yeses for others, one for you. That might mean skipping one party, asking someone else to bring the dessert, or keeping Sunday morning for yourself.

One boundary to try this week: pause before you say yes

You don't have to answer on the spot. Try this: "Let me check and get back to you."

That pause gives you a few minutes to ask yourself: Do I have the time? The energy? Do I actually want to? Is this a win-win, or will it leave my cup empty? If the answer is yes, wonderful. If it isn't, remember that it might be meant to be someone else's yes. You don't have to do everything or be in charge of everything. If not, you can say no kindly:

1. 1."I'd love to, but I can't this year."
2. 2."I can't host, but I'd be happy to bring a side."
3. 3."That week is full for me. Can we plan something in January?"

Protect your time like an appointment

If it isn't on the calendar, it gets taken. Pick one block of time each week, even 30 minutes, and protect it the way you'd protect a doctor's appointment. A walk, a bath, a nap, a book, a workout, or coffee with a friend who fills you up.

Simple ways to take care of yourself in a busy season

1. 1.Keep your basics steady: sleep, water, and real meals, especially a breakfast with some protein.
2. 2.Move a little every day, even a 10-minute walk.
3. 3.Build in buffer time between commitments so you're not racing from one thing to the next.
4. 4.Lower the bar on what doesn't matter to you. Store-bought cookies count.
5. 5.Listen to your body's signals. Tight shoulders, poor sleep and a short temper are messages, not character flaws.

When the holidays hold joy and sadness

The holiday season can bring joy but also sadness, because we also remember those we've lost. If this season feels tender for you, you're not doing it wrong. Give yourself room to feel both. Some years the kindest boundary is simply doing less.

And if this season feels lonely rather than busy, please reach out. Call a friend, go to a card game, wander one of those beautifully decorated small towns, or send me a message. People want to hear from you, more than you might think.

You don't have to wait until January

You don't need a New Year's resolution to start taking care of yourself. One boundary, one protected hour, one yes to yourself can fit into this season.

So here's your assignment this week: do one thing that fills your cup. Sing, dance, paint, see a movie, take a bubble bath, or simply rest. Then tell me what you chose. Your idea might spark one for someone else.